She has struggled with loneliness, the absence of someone to understand and feel safe with. The absence of someone who would be a best friend as well as a lover, who would bring out the laughter in her as naturally as the sun rises to greet each new day. Someone who believes in her even when she doesn't believe in herself, who can look inside her, even when she has closed herself off, to see the wonderful and magical things hiding inside her that she has long forgot.

"Without you," she says, "I am empty from my heart to deep inside my soul and each day I am just surviving!"

Without you
My day is dark
The sun is gone
And all I see is rain
My heart feels empty
My soul is lost
Without you.
In my dreams I feel you near
Within your arms
Within your heart
Within the sound of your breathing
Your voice
And strong
Then you're gone
I can't touch you
I can't smell you
I can't see you
I'm alone
Not living
Just surviving
One more day
Without you.
an abused angel

She has gotten very good at pushing people away and closing herself off from everyone, but that doesn't mean it brings her any pleasure. She believes it is the only way she has of self-preservation. If she can hide behind the mask and close off all of her feelings, maybe, just maybe she can close off all the pain? She tries to keep an outer appearance of "I've got it handled", but she struggles with her deep desire to experience the emotions of life and love again. Deep in her heart there is an aching for a real life of getting and giving love, but the rest of her is filled with fear. So much fear of having to face the pain all over again, which she doesn't think she can do, she doesn't want to do. Yet when she comes across someone who makes her smile very easily, who so naturally allows her to open up and touches so many starving parts inside her, she yields. Then the fear returns, the self-preservation cuts in and she runs and hides. She tries to put the mask back on, but he is good and he has touched her. She likes having him close with out letting him get close, yet her mind is filled with such confusion. In those times of struggle when she is weak, she thinks of him and her heart smiles. She admits only to herself, "I miss him!"

I can't help but think of you
The smiles you brought when all I wanted to do was cry
The unselfish way you offered your love
Your friendship
The light you brought into my darkness
The way you listened without judgment
The laughter hiding inside you brought out
I miss you
Life is not the same without you
You touched my heart, my soul
And it scared me to death
I want you but
I have nothing to offer but pain
I need you but
I can't let go
I miss you.
. an abused angel

Then comes the doubt, would he really want me? Thought after thought, running through her mind like, do I really have anything to offer him, especially when he sees all the baggage I carry with me? ? Will he be like the last one? Can I really trust him? Will he let me fall in love with him and then leave because all I can bring him is pain? I'd be crazy to do this to him, wouldn't I? It wouldn't be fair to him, would it? What about being fair to me? What if I brought him inside my dream, would he stay?

What if I saw you in my dreams
Was held in your arms
Tasted your kiss
Felt the beat of your heart
What if I've heard your voice
Soothing my troubled spirit
In my weakest moment
Telling me everything is ok
What if I felt your soul
Tempting my adventurous spirit
And exciting my heart
Awaking the passion again inside me.
What if I touched your heart
Became your poetry
Made love to your music
Danced to your sighs.
What if in my dreams
you are mine and I am yours
would you stay
here inside this dream?
an abused angel

In her mind she wondered, "if I asked, would you stay?, but she was too afraid to ask. Every response to him was encrypted in poetry, that way she didn't have to face it herself or admit to opening her feelings up to him. Day after day, when she let herself think of him, she struggled between him and survival. Her mind told her she couldn't allow him in, but her heart had already made that mistake. She protected herself through silence, but at times ventured out of her silence to make sure he was still there. Finding him still there made her smile, but she still couldn't allow herself any more pleasure than that smile. She hoped he wouldn't be there so she didn't have to face the temptation any more, but was always happy to see him. One day he would not be there and she cringed at the thought, but knew she had no choice, or did she?


Chapter 17 "Love and Risk"


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