She enjoyed the sun, before the clouds came, but now she longed for the sunny days again. It seems like the clouds have been covering her world and rolling across her skies forever. Every once in a while, when she caught a glimpse of blue sky, she felt a little bit of hope. When she saw the sun peep through she almost believed. Could she enjoy the hope of having the sun in her life again? Could this dark cloud finally roll by so she could really believe again in blue skies?

Beautiful blue skies
Where are you hiding
Up above my clouds
Will you ask your friend the wind
To blow them away
To see your beautiful blue
And ask your friend the sun
To warm my cold, cold heart
Fill it with hope
Fill it with adventure
Fill it with love
Fill it with beautiful blue tomorrows. abused angel

She prays the wind will blow her clouds away so she can see the blue skies again and feel the warmth of the sunshine, to enjoy life. While the clouds are filling the skies of her world, she see life passing her by.

Her journey is at a stand still as time passes her by because she is mired in the quicksand of the past. She is too paralyzed by fear, by her doubts, and all the pain to be able to enjoy life. Time waits on no one and she grudging agrees, yet seems almost powerless to change.

My friends tell me I'm missing out
That life is passing me by
Being shut up behind my walls
And they keep asking me why.
By shutting off my emotions
The good as well as the bad
I'm missing out on life
And they say it's just so sad.
Don't they believe I understand
And that I wish it was another way
Would they believe it's out of my control
That I want to come out and play
To feel the freedom to explore
And give my heart a chance to sing
My soul a chance to laugh out loud
And my spirit a brand new wing.
How can I make them understand
Or am I the one who needs to see
The beauty of all my emotions
Are the ones that need to be free. abused angel

How can she share what she has been through, what she goes through every day? If she were willing to share, would they understand? Could they ever understand the reason her past has such control over her future? Yes, she'll admit that life is passing her by, that she is missing out on so many good things in life. Yet, doing it her way is helping her to survive and her prayers are one day her life will be different. She know the first way to solve the problem is to admit she has a problem, yes, she admits it. Then a solution needs to be found, which isn't quit as simple.

I ask God for the answer
A solution to all my pain
A way to solve my problem
And peace for this constant strain.
They say time is a healer
But it seems very slow
And it hasn't been very comforting
To my lost and troubled soul.
They say the answer is love
To sooth a troubled heart
But it's at the root of the problem
Lack of trust the biggest part.
They say I need someone to talk to
And with them to work it through
But its fear that keeps me closed up
So what am I suppose to do? abused angel

She has far too many questions, but maybe she also has the answer and is afraid to face it. She knows she needs to work through all the poison inside, but she also knows it will be very painful. She knows she has to be strong to do this and she is not.

"I need more time to get stronger so I can deal with this." She rationalizes. Procrastination is her friend and she justifies it as a good reason to keep her from the pain. She has made progress on her own and with a couple of friends, but it is too easy for her to slip back into hiding when something else happens. She tells herself there is progress, but secretly wonders if any progress has been made at all. Will she allow herself to open up so that progress can be made or will she allow life and time to slip away?

Slipping into the future
With no regards for the past
No respecter of persons
Not mindful of how fast.
Continually spinning
The hands of the clock
Echoing all around us
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.
Embezzling precious moments
In its steadfast journey
Like a thief in the night
From here to eternity.
We can't seem to stop it
Or even slow it down
Knowing we are headed
To our place in the ground.
So embrace every moment
Fill every hour and every day
With a life time of memories
As time..... slips away.


Chapter 21 - "Judgment, Justice, and . . . ."

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