She sat on the bed, alone, surrounded by overwhelming feelings of despair, unworthiness and failure. Like a piece of puzzle misplaced, everything was hopeless with nothing to believe in and nobody to believe in her.

In my world of darkness
Where is the light
I have lost my way
I have lost my sight.

I sit here alone
With these feelings of despair
Unworthy, a failure
With no one to care.

In the dark without light
No one to believe in me
No one to show the way
No one to help me see.

Surrounded by a sea of black
Battered by the angry waves
No direction in the storm
Only my fear stays.
................... an abused angel

Had the world changed, or had she changed? Had the world pulled back from her or had she pulled back from the world? Yes, she had changed, she was forced to change and so had the world around her. The world looked at her differently, looked at her through eyes of hypocrisy, eyes of denial, and eyes of incrimination. They didn't seek the truth or the person she was inside. They looked at her through the false accusations of others and gossip bearing no reasons of truth. She had been forced to changed by the act of evil itself and then again over and over through ridicule of others. She had to pull away from the pain and from the abuse, finding herself misplaced.

Where do I belong?
The lands of my soul have been ravaged,
The ones I have trusted have deserted me,
my heart once filled with love
has now been reduced to ashes.
The compass of truth
I can no longer trust
I wander aimlessly in the wilderness
Lost
Alone
Abandoned
Misplaced!
................... an abused angel

Everything in her world was changed and even disfigured beyond recognition. No road signs to show the way, no map or direction she could see because nothing was the same.

The land is barren
As far as the eye can see.
Like my soul, my life.
No sign posts
No direction
No help!
Like the forest set a blaze
Destroyed by an malicious fire
I have been consumed by evil
Crushed, tortured, and left for dead
I don't know where I am
I don't recognize anything
Who am I?
................... an abused angel

She awoke from a nightmare to find she was still in one. She wanted to pinch herself, to wake up, to get out it. She wanted to feel something other than pain and hopelessness, the overwhelming feeling of being lost. She just wanted to go back to the time of happiness and peace, a time of hope and love, a time before the evil came.

I feel like Alice
Lost in a nightmare
Down the rabbit's hole
Everything is dark
Full of pain
Memories, stabbing at me
Beasts of darkness
Ripping at my soul
Bleeding, my life fluids
Helllllllllp, escaping my lips
Silent screams, no one to hear
Can't stand
Can't get my balance
Can't stop the spinning
Can't stop the pain
Am I still alive?
Stop, let me off!
................... an abused angel

She cried out, "Yes, I am still alive, but is that good, is there hope in being alive or will I continue to bleed until there is no blood left?" "Will I be able to find my way or do I want to," she asks. Isn't this a good place to hide, since I am already misplaced? To move forward takes effort, takes energy, and what if I go the wrong way? What if I fail again, make another mistake, and invite the pain back again? I don't want the pain, I don't want to move, I want to stay here until all the pain is gone, maybe it's not bad to be misplaced.

There was a time
I knew what it would take
to complete my paint by number dreams
clean canvas
Bright colors
Filled with inspiration
But now
the paints have all collided
the color is black
my direction is gone
once I could handle it
and nothing mattered
now
everything matters
everyone matters
And all I do is cause hurt
pain for those I love
I can't
I won't do it anymore
I'll disappear.....
................... an abused angel

Pain is her companion, but she doesn't want to share it, doesn't want to be the one who brings pain to others. Her mind shouts, "No, I won't allow it!" She doesn't want others to feel her pain, the misplaced feelings of abandonment she has.

Her heart tells her, "I will just disappear and if you try to get close, I'll push you away, for your own good."

Thanks for coming to visit
But you can't stay
I can't let you in
I'll give you a few minutes
Here at the door
But you can't come in
Its because I care
I will just bring you pain
I am not good for you
Not good for anyone
Thank you for the kindness
Thank you for the gifts
Ok, but just inside the door
Just for a minute
No, don't close it
I do appreciate you
Yes, thank you
Must stop, too close
You must go
I can only bring pain
Can you come back
You ask
Why...
Maybe...
Bye......
................... an abused angel

 

Chapter 4 "Truth or Preception”

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