She is not sure what truth is any more. She has been forced to accept a perception of truth she doesn't like or doesn't want. She had the truth thrown back in her face in the form of deceit and deception. The joys of love were twisted into a painful evil. She felt degraded, unclean, and unworthy of anyone really wanting her. Silently she screamed for help, for someone to tell her she was worthy, special, and loved.

Won't you touch this place inside of me
That has shut the doors to life?
Won't you whisper words of love
To these ears that can no longer hear the music?
Won't you look deep into these eyes
That can no longer see?
Blinded by the clouds of storms
From shattered dreams?
Won't you smell the skin
That has been scrubbed raw,
To wash away all the pain of the past?
Won't you taste my soul,
Or is it rotting from hurting so long?
A soul that has laid untouched,
A heart that has set un-beating,
A mind that has set vacant of all thoughts
Of love for fear of pain and agony
From another place and time.
.....................................an abused angel

Are dreams better? Yes, when she doesn't want to face reality or when she feels she can't face reality? Reality and dreams, is there a line between them? What if you can't tell the difference between the two? What if you don't want to tell the difference?

I look in the mirror
Is that me or am I dreaming
Dreaming about me
Looking at me
Looking into a mirror
Maybe
Wake up
Maybe I am awake
Is this a dream or a nightmare
How can I tell
The pain tells me
Nightmare
Or is it reality
Let me go back to the dream
And leave the nightmare
Leave the pain
Dreams are better!!
.........................an abused angel

Dreams are better, a better way to escape reality? Haven't we been there in one or more seasons of our lives, afraid to face reality alone or deal with the pain without help because of the fear we will fail again? Inside she wonders, "What if I can't do it, then what?"

I can do it
I think
Can I?
I don't need anyone
Well maybe
Just a little
No, I can't face it alone
Is there anyone to help
I don't want to be alone
I can't do it by myself
Too much pain
What if I fail
What if I fail again
What if . . .
................an abused angel

Doubt robs her soul of hope, of energy, and the belief in herself that there will be a rainbow after the storms. Doubt plays with her self-esteem, with her self-image, and her self-worth. She asks, "How is anyone going to want to be with a failure?" "Who is going to want someone around who just brings pain?" Her mind cries out, "Don't come near the leaper for I can only bring hurt to you and there is nothing of value that I can offer." This not only becomes her attitude toward friendship, but even more her attitude toward romance and love. Only in dreams does she find the beautiful world of love, instead of in reality where she really wants it, where she really needs it.

Cloudless dreams,
Keeper of the night
Comfort my heart
Fill it with love's light.
Bring me a Prince
A heart brave and strong,
A soul untouched by pain
The one I've waited for so long.
Let him take my shattered pieces
From the shadows of the past,
With echo of his laughter
Bring a love that's meant to last.
At night he'll read me poetry
And each adventure will be new,
Then we'll soar on wings of trust
Till all our dreams come true.
For dreams are for the living
With hearts allowed to sing,
When souls are touched with magic
For love is everything.
.....................................an abused angel

She needs the love she is afraid to want. She knows love is everything, but she feels the risk to love again is too much and she can't allow her heart to feel all the pain again. She keeps the pain in the safe place and the only way to keep it there is to not feel anything. She knows she is missing out on so many wonderful feelings, but she can't risk it. She can't risk unleashing all the feelings of evil that devastated her. She just can't!

He loves me
He loves me not,
How will I know
What if there's doubt.
Will I be hurt
Bring back the pain,
If I should risk
What will I gain.
Inside my dreams
Will you be mine,
Come lay with me
Forget all time.
We'll love as one
Through day and night,
He'll be my strength
I'll be his light.
But in my eyes
Reality shows,
Or are they dreams
How will I know.
And of my Prince
In Camelot,
He loves me
He loves me not.
......................an abused angel

Even in dreams there's reality, "He loves me or He loves me not..." Dreams often paint pictures of what the imagination of our heart longs to see. Yet even in our dreams, reality has a way of sneaking in. Still, it doesn't mean our dreams sneak into our reality, or do they.

Chapter 5 "Nightmares"